3 Words We Never Want an Answer To, And Never Provide a Genuine Response To
How many times per day do you think you say "Hi, how are you doing?"
How many times per day do you think you say "Hi, how are you doing?" and actually mean it?
Our culture has taken this meaningful, and deeply personal question, and made it one of the most surface level things you can say to another person. We typically ask this in passing, and have no actual desire to know "how someone is doing." We all have our quick responses to this question: "Good", "great", "fine, thanks and you?", "busy", or "tired".
How is it that we have gotten in the habit of not only asking this question with no true intention to hear the answer, AND we answer the question with no intention of giving a real answer?
Years ago, when I graduated from massage therapy school, at the graduation ceremony, I hugged one of the instructors. Without realizing it, I naturally hugged her by putting my right cheek against hers. My right side to her right side. She hugged me briefly, then grabbed my shoulders and pushed me away and strongly pulled me back in for another hug on the left side. She hugged me long and tightly on this side. When the hug ended, she said "I just wanted to hug you on the heart side. Isn't it funny that we typically hug on the non-heart side?" Then with her hands on my shoulders still, she said: "how are you tonight?" I remember almost crying because 1. she had just blown my mind with the hug comment 2. She looked so deeply at me while asking the question, and she actually waited for a response. I probably said "good!" in the bubbliest way possible, introduced her to my mom, and ran away to avoid having to actually respond to her question.
In my younger years, I had become a master of being happy and bubbly on the outside, while boiling full of emotion on the inside. Luckily I had stumbled across some amazing ways to release the emotion like journaling, running and creating art. Even with those, I was still a volcano, hoping that no one ever really wanted to know how I was doing. I was at a constant smolder, with the occasional eruption.
what would happen, if when we asked the question "how are you?" we really meant it? What would happen if we could honestly answer that question when people asked us?
My challenge to you this week is this:
- Do not say "How are you?" to another person, unless you actually want to know how they are. You must have the time to listen to their response.
- When you say "How are you?" to someone, also touch them. Make a physical connection by touching their arm, or putting your whole hand on their shoulder. Hold eye contact with them.
- Check in with yourself several times per day, asking yourself the same question. Instead of jumping to the easy answers like "good" or "fine". Think of the true feelings - emotional and physical.
- When someone asks you how you are doing, provide as honest of an answer as you can. "I am energized by this walk, what a nice day it is" is better than "I'm good, thanks."
Alternate ways to greet someone if you are unable to listen to their response to "How are you?"
- Hi, what have you been up to today?
- Hi, there
- Hey, isn't this weather energizing?
- Good morning
- Hi, how are you staying dry in all this rain?
- Hi, did you see that sunset?
- Hey there, haven't seen you in a while, anything new with you?
- Hi, have you met.... (friend, partner, dog, child, fish etc...)
In honoring the people around us, it is necessary to stop using colloquial language, but rather to speak from the heart. We learn more about ourselves in this practice also, by assessing what our level of energy is, and setting boundaries for what we can or cannot handle. We all have days where we cannot take on any more of other people's emotions, but rather than asking someone how they are doing, with no intention of really finding out, we can greet them in a way that is more in alignment with how we are feeling.
Do you have any other suggestions on ways to greet someone without asking how they are?
How many times per day do you think you say "Hi, how are you doing?" and actually mean it?
Our culture has taken this meaningful, and deeply personal question, and made it one of the most surface level things you can say to another person. We typically ask this in passing, and have no actual desire to know "how someone is doing." We all have our quick responses to this question: "Good", "great", "fine, thanks and you?", "busy", or "tired".
How is it that we have gotten in the habit of not only asking this question with no true intention to hear the answer, AND we answer the question with no intention of giving a real answer?
Years ago, when I graduated from massage therapy school, at the graduation ceremony, I hugged one of the instructors. Without realizing it, I naturally hugged her by putting my right cheek against hers. My right side to her right side. She hugged me briefly, then grabbed my shoulders and pushed me away and strongly pulled me back in for another hug on the left side. She hugged me long and tightly on this side. When the hug ended, she said "I just wanted to hug you on the heart side. Isn't it funny that we typically hug on the non-heart side?" Then with her hands on my shoulders still, she said: "how are you tonight?" I remember almost crying because 1. she had just blown my mind with the hug comment 2. She looked so deeply at me while asking the question, and she actually waited for a response. I probably said "good!" in the bubbliest way possible, introduced her to my mom, and ran away to avoid having to actually respond to her question.
In my younger years, I had become a master of being happy and bubbly on the outside, while boiling full of emotion on the inside. Luckily I had stumbled across some amazing ways to release the emotion like journaling, running and creating art. Even with those, I was still a volcano, hoping that no one ever really wanted to know how I was doing. I was at a constant smolder, with the occasional eruption.
what would happen, if when we asked the question "how are you?" we really meant it? What would happen if we could honestly answer that question when people asked us?
My challenge to you this week is this:
- Do not say "How are you?" to another person, unless you actually want to know how they are. You must have the time to listen to their response.
- When you say "How are you?" to someone, also touch them. Make a physical connection by touching their arm, or putting your whole hand on their shoulder. Hold eye contact with them.
- Check in with yourself several times per day, asking yourself the same question. Instead of jumping to the easy answers like "good" or "fine". Think of the true feelings - emotional and physical.
- When someone asks you how you are doing, provide as honest of an answer as you can. "I am energized by this walk, what a nice day it is" is better than "I'm good, thanks."
Alternate ways to greet someone if you are unable to listen to their response to "How are you?"
- Hi, what have you been up to today?
- Hi, there
- Hey, isn't this weather energizing?
- Good morning
- Hi, how are you staying dry in all this rain?
- Hi, did you see that sunset?
- Hey there, haven't seen you in a while, anything new with you?
- Hi, have you met.... (friend, partner, dog, child, fish etc...)
In honoring the people around us, it is necessary to stop using colloquial language, but rather to speak from the heart. We learn more about ourselves in this practice also, by assessing what our level of energy is, and setting boundaries for what we can or cannot handle. We all have days where we cannot take on any more of other people's emotions, but rather than asking someone how they are doing, with no intention of really finding out, we can greet them in a way that is more in alignment with how we are feeling.
Do you have any other suggestions on ways to greet someone without asking how they are?
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